the littlest lambs...

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me. Just as the Father knows me and I know the Father and I lay down my life for the sheep."

-John 10:14-15

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."

-Matthew 18:1-6

"but Jesus said, Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven. And he laid his hands on them and went away."

-Matthew 19:14-15

....and we each are placed in a moment for that moment, to speak words of truth and wisdom from above into the ears of those that need His words.....her grandmother had been praying feverently by her bedside for over a wk now.....in tongues and for hours without stopping....i spoke for hours with the family about God, His love, and that the time had come...Kayla had nothing left in her, her prognois was terminal and after fighting for 3.5 months it was time to say goodbye. Her sweet parents marked the anniversary of the death of her sister just 1 yr ago last sunday....they lost a 22 wkr (1 wk from viability) and now had to watch this one be snatched from their grasp as well. From the moment I met the grandmother she said....awwww....my daughter has spoken of you. I know you believe I could see it in your eyes the minute I saw you...you can smell Him. You are an angel sent her to us and Kayla....you are here for things far bigger than you know....He has great plans for you. She went on....sometimes He uses an older Christian to help a younger one and vice versa.....thank you so much.

I knew the words coming from her mouth were straight from above and I also knew my task at hand: far too many times in the last 4 yrs I have been the one to help the families realize it is truly time to say goodbye and we have to let them go. Then helped them in that process....watching their greatest love slip from this earth. These little ones hang on till their parents are ready....they can see Him close at hand, sitting at their side, comforting them, angels watching over....and if you've spent time in any icu with a dying person, you'll agree....especially the smallest of His lambs. It is THE hardest thing a person will ever have to do....to decide to willfully remove life support from a kicking, crying, eye opening, finger-grasping, pacifier sucking baby small enough to fit in your hands (that should still be protected by your own womb)...only to spare them even more pain than they can bare.

Last night...her parents were ready in just the right moments...when her pain had far exceeded medications, and they knew that their battle wasn't more important than the one she was sticking out just for them.....she died peacefully (thank God) and sweetly in her mother's arm in a quiet room, being rocked lovingly into His merciful hands.

As I drove the 30 tearfilled miles home I listened to praise songs and still found solace...He is good. Hallelujah He is good....all the time.....and I came home to John 10:14-15 in my inbox....fitting and consoling. I believe she was with him before her birth, saw Him @ her side as comforter while on this earth, and returned home to Him to join her sissy, still remembering Him as her good shepherd.

I am woman....hear me roar!

In honor of Mother's Day:

because this is a day to commemorate ALL woman, not just the biological type....

"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates." -Proverbs 31:10-31

"Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table" -Psalms 128:3

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones." -Proverbs 12:4

I desire to be this woman, a woman whose eyes are so set on the Lord, that my hands and feet are really His. Perhaps I live in an idealistic world in my head...part fantasy, part good intentions....but I want to be the calm in the storm; full of patience with my children; their role model and life guide; i want to teach them to memorize scripture and then apply it. I want to be the woman God describes in the Bible...the woman He created....I don't want to let the world and its intentions seep in and control me. I don't want this life and work to be my focus. I want my life to mean something and have impact. Don't be mislead: I don't seek recognition, but from Him. I just so long to create waves of change...have affect generationally....

on why I'm not 2 anymore

so recently, i finally figured out that i'm not 2 anymore...while this may have many obvious positives....it comes with a whole series of negative things as well. below i've documented reasons confirming i'm not 2 years old:

• no one gets upset when i drink coffee, reach for sharp objects, or attempt to cook my own food (in fact, i find that these things are generally encouraged....i think they call it independence or self-preservation..neither are words i'm very fond of)
• when i lay down in the floor kicking and screaming (ie a temper-tantrum) no one really notices....and i never get what i want as a result (not that it ever stops me...)
• i find it hard to take naps....not that i don't want to...just think i've lost the skill...oh and if you do it at work, you get in serious trouble.
• no one claps, dances around, and gives me m&m's when i potty.....
• if i screw up or something i try doesn't end up as brilliant....people are quick to tell ya (i like pretty pictures permanently secured to the fridge...kinda an ego booster-i mean do you really need to tell the truth ALL the time?)
• when something needs to be done (ie dishes, laundry, cleaning, bills, ect) and i don't do it....it doesn't get done...and there are consequences to that
• when i get hurt, there's no one to pick me up, kiss my bobo, patch it with a bandaid and then sing to me till i calm down
• my momma refuses to make decisions for me...even and especially the hard ones
• my language acquisition skills are completely gone (and portuguese is going to be way harder than i thought)
• and lastly, the baby prayers i often attempt to revert to...rarely cut it!

i know i could go on...but quite obviously i'm not 2 anymore, nor do i wish to be...just think it might be easier sometimes! :) (especially in the language department)