Glutton for Punishment

I must be, cause otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here thinking that tomorrow is the big day. I have been volunteering at a place that deals in crisis counseling and since November, I have been training to be a crisis counselor. Tomorrow I will start with the telephones (baby steps), then, in another 2 wks or so...I'll actually start seeing clients.....all this freaks me out completely. I love this and I absolutely know that God has called me to this place...it has been six years in the making, but that doesn't make it any easier. Who in their right mind would choose of their own free will, to be a nurse in a critical care unit taking care of super sick, sometimes dying, but always tiny infants (minus the hippopotamus from last wk) by nights, and a volunteer (underlined a few times plus 3 exclamation pts) at a crisis counseling center by day (someone screwed up my circadian rhythm)?? Yes, I am the one "those people" that need something, anything, hunt down and find in the grocery store. I attract people that are physically and emotionally needy constantly. And for some reason, I don't usually mind. All this to say, I think I'm crazy. And now I'm freaked out. Like I know what to say to these girls. Sharing God with strangers has never been my strong suit either....please combine the two of these things and tell me to do it....ok, why not....i have nothing else better to do with my days (besides sleep, that is). I do believe that He will give me the words and use me since He brought me to this place, but its the starting it that's the hardest. Guess, it's kinda hard for them too. Anyway, prayers would be graciously accepted and are beyond needed.

Revelation

Thanks for listening to my slight breakdown last night. Sometimes my job gets to me. It is only in those few moments I get to experience at work that I sometimes let the devil take a hold of my mind. I start to feel frustration in being single, having no kids, or being in a profession that is so demanding of my patience, emotion, and mental drain. When those moments pass, I know I am where I am meant to be. Though I may have nights where I can't imagine doing it all over again, want to curl up on the floor and cry while at work (I know many who have locked themselves in the bathroom at work, just for a tear time-out so they can regain composure and finish the shift), or go home broken-hearted, I know it is Him who gives me the strength to return the next night, show compassion when I am beyond exhaustion; minister to the babies, parents, and fellow coworkers; and help Him perform small miracles each shift. And I do love it. He has given me that passion, and it is unmistakeable where His hand has been in my life to get me to exactly where I am. It is a peace He has instilled within me for these moments. And for that I am very thankful.

Perhaps, someone would tell me that the problem is I get slightly too attached to my patients (who can take care of the same baby for 4 1/2 months and not-the smile they flash you when they hear your voice is enough to melt anyone that claims to not have a heart). On paper, staying detached works. In the real world and actual practice, this has no real truth. It is this precise flaw that allows me to be so compassionate and reassure the parents that even though they may not be able to be with their child 24-7 and care for them, there is someone that feels for them just as much, is looking out for them, and is hurting just as much. I know God has placed this baby with these parents. But, for awhile, she is mine and I get to care for her, doing something the parents are unable to do. When the time is right, I will return their baby, teach the parents what they need to know to care for her, and watch as God's plan for their family is fulfilled. It's just the letting go part that's still a little hard. That's when I just have to rest in the reassurance He gives me that this is where I am meant to be.

Sobfest at work

Can I say that I'm about to burst into tears at this very moment? oh well, cause i said it....i'm at work (obvs. doing a lot of good) and I'm about to just sit in the floor and cry....why?, you might ask...and if you didn't...you're mean and we are no longer friends. Answer: a multitude of reasons:

1-I'm "on-call"-note previously i stated i was at work. now, in the last 18 months I have only not had to work once while on-call and we have 1 shift/6wks up to 3/8wks, depending on how busy we are. so, the odds aren't great...but still, being on-call gives you a little hope that you could be off...even if it's only a glimmer

2-I'm missing Bible Study at the Loop b/c of this blessed event....and this makes me super sad

3-my primary baby at work (I took care of her everytime I was here), Mary Carter, went home Sunday and I was absolutely in love with the girl. I took care of her for 4 months and I'm going through some major withdrawal right now.

4-Someone got the brilliant idea to stick me in the same pod where she had been residing....but she's not here...and that's not funny...it's cruel....and this is the first shift i've worked since she's been gone...obvs., i'm not handling it really well

5-out of the 6 kids in this pod....3 are screamers....and they are not very cute while they are doing it....and i don't mean they just cry...they are inconsolable, screaming at the top of the lungs, constantly....i would like to cry with them....but not for the same reasons.....somehow, me telling them "there's no crying in the NICU" isn't working....

ok, so to recap....i've only been here for 3 hrs....and i've already quit about 20 times (note: i always quit at least once a shift), and i'm about to lay in the floor and have a sobfest (yes, that's a real word).....even starbucks before work isn't helping.....