Revelation

Thanks for listening to my slight breakdown last night. Sometimes my job gets to me. It is only in those few moments I get to experience at work that I sometimes let the devil take a hold of my mind. I start to feel frustration in being single, having no kids, or being in a profession that is so demanding of my patience, emotion, and mental drain. When those moments pass, I know I am where I am meant to be. Though I may have nights where I can't imagine doing it all over again, want to curl up on the floor and cry while at work (I know many who have locked themselves in the bathroom at work, just for a tear time-out so they can regain composure and finish the shift), or go home broken-hearted, I know it is Him who gives me the strength to return the next night, show compassion when I am beyond exhaustion; minister to the babies, parents, and fellow coworkers; and help Him perform small miracles each shift. And I do love it. He has given me that passion, and it is unmistakeable where His hand has been in my life to get me to exactly where I am. It is a peace He has instilled within me for these moments. And for that I am very thankful.

Perhaps, someone would tell me that the problem is I get slightly too attached to my patients (who can take care of the same baby for 4 1/2 months and not-the smile they flash you when they hear your voice is enough to melt anyone that claims to not have a heart). On paper, staying detached works. In the real world and actual practice, this has no real truth. It is this precise flaw that allows me to be so compassionate and reassure the parents that even though they may not be able to be with their child 24-7 and care for them, there is someone that feels for them just as much, is looking out for them, and is hurting just as much. I know God has placed this baby with these parents. But, for awhile, she is mine and I get to care for her, doing something the parents are unable to do. When the time is right, I will return their baby, teach the parents what they need to know to care for her, and watch as God's plan for their family is fulfilled. It's just the letting go part that's still a little hard. That's when I just have to rest in the reassurance He gives me that this is where I am meant to be.